Act in case of disappearance

In the event of a situation of conflict that you fear might lead to a runaway, three possibilities should be considered: Suggest that your child might live temporarily outside your home (with the other parent, with another family member or in a boarding school for example). Get help from a third party (family mediator, psychologist specialised in family conflicts or adolescence, an organisation). Request educational assistance. If you are worried about your child running away, do not hesitate to call 116000, where our team of psychologists and social worker will be able to advise you at this difficult time with your child. Signs that your child may be at risk of running away The child or adolescent’s behaviour changes suddenly (frequent rebellion, isolation, depression, change of friends or pace of life). He or she accumulates money or belongings in secret. He or she begins to mention running away to test your reaction. He or she experiences academic difficulties or bullying at school. He or she shows significant signs of stress when criticized or in the face of failure. He or she poses questions about his or her sexual orientation. He or she has already run away and lived this experience positively. Or he or she has friends who have already run away. The family atmosphere is tense. He or she spends a lot of time on social media and refuses to talk about it. He or she consumes alcohol or drugs. If you think your child is showing several of these signs, it may be important to verify your concern by talking to those around you. It is also an opportunity to offer him or her a moment to discuss what concerns him/her, refraining from judging him/her and encouraging him/her to express his/her emotions. Having identified the problem, the important thing is to help your child think about the different solutions that can be put in place. Spotting the triggers Even if some of the signs mentioned above are present, there is nothing to say that your child will automatically runaway There are a number of triggers that can be spotted and help prevent your child from running away. A feeling of guilt following a mistake made (in the family, at school, in his or her group of friends…) and the fear of facing the consequences. A feeling of having experienced an injustice, which is often coupled with the impression of not having been understood. He or she has experienced a situation that made him/her feel like he/she was being rejected and not getting the attention deserved. An open conflict in the family context with one of the parents or a sibling. Being prohibited to experience something that is very dear to his/her heart (not being allowed a mobile phone, being grounded, etc.) A friend suggests running away with him/her. He or she has undergone a traumatic experience (sexual assault, a breakup, the death of a loved one, a move…).

Taking the first steps In the event that your child runs away, you must keep calm. Before reporting it to the police, you can: Collect any clues your child may have left that may assist the search: A message left by your child (a letter, text messages, a voice message, etc.). Missing objects that suggest that his/her departure was planned (bag with spare clothes, toilet bag, identity papers, transport card, money…). Contact your child’s friends and their parents. Children won’t necessarily tell you everything they know, seeking to protect their friends, but you can send them a message expressing your concern. It is important that you reiterate to them that you will not punish the child for running away. Go to the places they regularly frequent and speak to the people there. Ensure that someone stays at home to answer the phone in the event that your child calls or returns while you are out. Report the disappearance If your child is still missing after making these checks, you must file a report with the nearest police station to your place of residence. Before going there Prepare a document containing the clues collected (which will allow you to be clearer to the investigators), a recent photo of your child and an identity document. When you make your report Ask for your child to be registered in the File of Missing Persons (FPR). Ask to be kept informed of the progress of the search. Get the contact details of the investigating department or service. Stress your concern to the investigators. Exceptional cases If your child has run away from children’s home, the home must report the runaway. However, do not hesitate to go to the police station where the report is filed to provide them with additional information. Keep searching After reporting to the police, continue your search. Your action is decisive. Call 116000, the case managers of 116000 Enfants Disparus will support you until your child returns and with restoring your parent-child relationship. Continue your search with your child’s acquaintances, give their contact details to the police. If you have access to your child’s instant messaging, look for possible appointments or contacts with people you don’t know. Follow the social networks that your child visits to observe his/her activity on them and look for indications as to where he/she might be or who he/she would be likely to be with. Go to the places usually frequented by your child to alert the adults present (security services, managers…). In the light of any new information, notify the investigation services (police) so that they can search more effectively. Spread your public appeal To mobilize as many people as possible in the search for your child, do not hesitate to call 116000 Enfants Disparus. The case managers will specifically suggest you: Post a public appeal on the site 116000enfantsdisparus.fr and on social networks (Facebook & Instagram). Spreading a missing persons notice can show the child that you are doing everything you can to find him/her and that you want him/her to get back in touch with you. It can also lead to witnesses coming forward and help find him/her. Publicize your child’s runaway in the media. Media coverage is not recommended for all young people (it should be avoided, for example, if your child regularly runs away requesting emancipation). It is very important to prepare for media dissemination and ask yourself a number of questions. How should you react if your runaway child calls you? Very often, when a runaway child calls, or makes contact via social networks, it is because he/she feels guilty. He/she wants to relieve you of your worry, test your reaction or your limits or negotiate the conditions of his/her return. Here are some tips: Keep in contact and re-establish a relationship with him/her. It is important not to be carried away your emotions. Keep calm and be clear with your words. You can tell him/her about your concern, your sadness but also your joy to hear from him/her. Make sure he/she is safe by asking closed-ended questions (yes or no answers) like “Are you safe?”. If he/she turns out to be in danger, you can ask if he/she can talk freely, if he/she can get out of where he/she is, and if he/she wants you to pick him/her up. Try to understand the reasons for running away and find solutions with them. It is quite possible to ask directly what he/she wants to express by running away, if he/she wants something to change and if so what. Suggest phone appointments or meeting up in a neutral place in order to keep a relationship with him/her if he/she does not wish to return. Beware: If you are meeting your child face to face, bear in mind that it should not be an ambush to try to get him/her back. Allow him/her freedom of movement so as not to erode the trust he/she has placed in you by agreeing to come to the appointment. You can suggest alternatives to running away in order to prepare for his/her return.

“How should I receive him/her? How can I express my feelings to him/her? “Can I trust him/her again?” Prepare for this moment. During your child’s absence, take some time to reflect on why he/she left, what solutions you can put in place to prevent it from happening again, and your limits (what you are willing or unwilling to change in your parent/child relationship). This reflection will allow you to externalize your emotions and thus be calmer to receive your child. Talking to your loved ones, professionals… might be of help to you. Take time to enjoy reunions and express your joy at your child’s return! Before exchanging words, you can share a meal with him/her. Give him/her time to rest, wash, get changed… Try to keep calm and remain positive, prioritize moments spent together rather than isolating your child. Take a moment to understand and verify the reasons why your child ran away. Address your child’s running away and how he/she felt during his/her absence: Did he/she find what he/she was expecting by running away? How did he/she feel during the experience? Was he/she afraid? Did he/she feel relieved? Was it satisfying for him/her? Leave aside what he/she did during his/her absence: where he/she was and with whom… These questions may come later, once trust is restored. Careful!: If the discussion becomes troublesome or takes an unexpected turn, stop right there and postpone the talk until the following day, when you are calmer and you and your child have thought it through. Put forward solutions. You can establish rules of living, especially concerning outings, which everyone undertakes to stick to. The idea is to set up a reassuring environment for you without locking up the young person. It is important that this process of rebuilding the rules of living is done together with your child. When the agreements are reached, you can decide to put them in place over a certain period of time and evaluate them at the end of this period. You can then congratulate your child if he/she has kept his/her commitments and show him/her that in case of tension, talking is better than running away. On your part, you will have to succeed in trusting them. If communication is complicated or you are not able to comprehend the difficulties your child has encountered while absent, you can call on a neutral person. A relative whom you and your child trust or a professional: a family mediator, a psychologist or listeners on freephone numbers: see the directory. Consider alternatives to returning home If it is not possible to dialogue and family life becomes intolerable… Living with a loved one you trust. You will then, with your child, establish the duration of the stay, the role of the relative and the reasons for this temporary accommodation. Contacting specific structures, which also offer mediation between you and your adolescent child… The alternative of a boarding school. This solution must suit you all, the adolescent must be involved in this subject for it to have a positive impact on your family life. Do not hesitate to take advice from your local council’s social services, or your child’s school, for example. They can help you consider various solutions according to your location . Be aware that your child’s absence really affected you and it may be difficult for you to gauge your emotions. 116000 Enfants Disparus can help you distance yourself by reflecting with you, specifically, on how to approach your child. Do not hesitate to call the emergency number.

Restore the relationship, little by little Judith, a 15-year-old girl, runs away for the third time. She goes to live with a minor boy who is known for acts of delinquency and the police are irritated by having to search for her every time she runs away to the boy’s father’s… The parents call 116000 Enfants Disparus in November, after the third runaway, distraught. Though separated, they work together to get back into contact with their daughter and persuade her to return to live with her mother. The psychologist of 116000 Enfants Disparus then starts a series of telephone meetings involving both parents to work on the girl’s return. It will be a question of ensuring that it is not imposed but that, from contact to contact, Judith herself renews the links. Together, the parents make contact with the boy’s mother who thought Judith had been “kicked out”. A letter is sent to the boy’s father reminding him that he has noright to shelter Judith against her parents’ wishes. They take care to warn the girl of this. Following the advice of the case manager, little by little, Judith’s parents reconnect with her. Each meeting is prepared in advance and the terms are negotiated. This is first done at medical appointments. Judith sleeps at her father’s accompanied by the young man. Then, she returns alone and finally, at the beginning of March, returns to live with her mother, resumes her schooling with the good-will and cooperation of the school. The series of running away has been broken, the girl continues to see her boyfriend every other weekend at the latter’s mother’s house.